Dr. Allie Ponderings on Loneliness and the “Crisis of Connection”:
The APA’s Stress in America Survey:
Every year, the American Psychological Association (APA) conducts a “Stress in America” survey. This year’s survey notes that societal division is a significant stressor for folks in the U.S. and identifies that nearly half of Americans are feeling lonely and isolated from others. It cites data about the impact of loneliness on one’s overall health and wellbeing and about the specific stressors that contribute to concerns about the future of the country (including concerns about AI and the spread of misleading information).
As a psychologist this information is interesting, but, unfortunately, not surprising.
Exploration of “The Problem”:
Much of the work I do, especially with college students, has consisted of folks expressing their concerns about the “state of the world” and the “state of the nation”. In therapy, people often express feeling lonely and disconnected, despite living in a time of ever-increasing abilities to “connect” via online messaging, video, and social media services (or are they dis-services?). We are living in a time when people are better able to keep in touch with their friends and family who do not live in the same city, same state, or even same country; however, folks are increasingly expressing a struggle to find true connection with others, and arguably, within themselves.
Which factors are at play here, contributing to this increasing isolation, loneliness, and disconnection?
Common answers I hear from friends, family, and patients alike are that people spend a lot of time consuming information about what others are doing via social media, videos, and podcasts, but the moments for truly conversing with someone and both expressing and receiving kindness, empathy, and commonality with others are limited. People are spending less time engaging in face-to-face conversations and more time either texting or passively consuming information that friends, family, and strangers are posting themselves. These types of interactions do not provide opportunities to truly share a moment or an experience with another human. And people are noticing. They are feeling the consequences of not being seen by the people they love and care deeply for. They are noticing how they are barely seen or acknowledged by even strangers on the street.
If I had a penny for how often I discuss the difficulties in simply being seen or acknowledged when out in public…
It never ceases to amaze me how few folks will make eye contact or say hello when walking past one another in public spaces. It astonishes me how overwhelmingly wonderful it then feels when a stranger pauses in route to have a small exchange on the street:
Hi, how are you?
Good, I’m so grateful for the sun being out today. Isn’t it lovely?
And how can you be upset when you have cute goats to enjoy in the park today?
Right?! They are so silly! I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!
You too!…
(Before you judge and think this conversation is unreal, please know that this is a paraphrase of a real conversation I’ve had in passing. Roseville is known for having supervised roaming goats to help control the vegetation growth in local greenspaces. They bring me such joy when they are around, and apparently they bring my neighbors joy too!)
But my point is that the simple act of connecting and feeling like, “hey, me too!” means so much to us. It sparks excitement in us when someone can mirror the way we are feeling, especially when it’s about something exciting, but also when it’s about something difficult to feel. We thrive when we can make eye contact, reflect emotion back, and share a moment with others. One can’t help but wonder about how long we will continue to feel the repercussions of the pandemic on a social level. We were told to isolate ourselves at home, so we did. In doing so, we became fearful of being around others. Now, the reintroduction to society has been slow and things have seemingly permanently changed. Video calls have allowed us to see those important facial expressions and hear tone of voice, which is a close second to in-person interactions and especially great for the folks trying to keep in touch across space and time. However, texting, emailing, voice memos, and scrolling past photos with only a “like” and no engagement about the experience can make us feel disjointed and further distanced from the people we claim to hold near and dear. It takes more effort to connect with folks in person because it usually means making plans, and sticking to them. What will it take for folks to realize the benefits of true connection and choose to leave the passive online connections that contribute to feeling unfulfilled behind us? (As an aside, I recently saw a snippet of an interview in which a Gen Z person identified that they discontinued using social media when they heard a statement that Gen Z “may be the first generation to die with more memories of other people’s lives than of their own,” presumably due to social media consumption. I don’t know how statistically relevant that statement is, but it sure is a powerful thought.)
In addition to folks identifying the struggle to find true connection, people are often expressing that it feels like others are at odds with them or “ready to jump down my throat” in anger.
It has become commonplace to hear in therapy that people find it difficult to express their opinions, noting a strong fear for how friends, family, and strangers will respond if they don’t agree or if they take offense in how the opinion was expressed. It seems that people are frustrated and angered more easily these days and I can’t help but ask myself a chicken-or-the-egg-type question: is the anger the result of the loneliness or is the loneliness the result of the anger? Certainly anger can have a way of isolating others by “freezing folks out” or shutting others down, but are people also feeling more angry because of how isolated and alone they are? (When we are yearning for connection, we sometimes seek it in ineffective ways, like picking a fight with someone or criticizing others because the vulnerability of asking for connection or expressing a need can be “too vulnerable”.) When and what will it take for folks to seek connection and common ground instead of attacking one another for discussing topics that are clearly important to all sides of the conversation? Is it possible for folks to practice engaging in perspective taking?
…The short answer is “yes”...
The long answer is “it takes work”…
What we can do about it:
I think connection and perspective-taking are absolutely possible, and I also know that it takes effort to interrupt our initial emotional reactions so we can respond with curiosity instead of judgement.
When someone expresses anger or judgement in response to your opinion, can you practice asking yourself what it is that they may be feeling vulnerable about or threatened by? What morals and values contribute to their opinion, even if it’s on the “opposite side of the argument” from your own opinion? Is it possible that there is some opportunity for connection that is being missed in the argumentative stance that is being taken? Perhaps your underlying values are not so different afterall, even if how the values are expressed is via different ideas about the actions that can be taken.
I find myself frequently having conversations with folks about how conversations might flow differently if people could approach a conversation with openness and curiosity.
Is anyone willing to hear each other out and share opinions, ideas, and questions any more? Or will we continue to divide, isolate, and shut each other down with quickness to judge and pressure to have an “answer”? I am often reminding myself that 1) life is not so black-and-white as to make it easy for us to define one simple “answer” or to fully choose “one side” of an argument, and 2) that part of how we create our own opinions is from consuming information, talking about it with others, mulling over different perspectives, asking (sometimes difficult) questions, exploring our values, making mistakes and learning from them, critically thinking about how to act upon our beliefs in a way that best reflects our values, and committing to an openness that we may think we have an “answer,” only to change our minds upon learning more information in the future.
In all honesty, I don’t know how to change things on a “worldly” or “national” level, but one thing I always come back to is this:
Small changes can amount to great things. Perhaps if more of us engaged in relatively minor forms of connection by acknowledging each other on the street, talking with a friend to learn how they are really doing (instead of just accepting the stock response of “ok” or “fine”), and finding a trusting group with whom we can openly explore our differences of opinions together… then maybe we can start a societal shift from the ground up.
Another helpful factor might be to put the phone down. More than that, it’s to practice the discipline of not responding to every single buzz and notification of the phone. I recognize that this is easier said than done. However, it’s an important factor in allowing ourselves to take a true break, reconnect with the feeling of boredom, and rest our mind and body. Can we ever truly overcome burnout if we don’t seriously start reconsidering the ways in which we engage with technology? (More on burnout to come, in future blog posts…)
Resources:
Read about the results of the Stress in America Survey directly from the APA, here:
https://www.apa.org/pubs/reports/stress-in-america/2025
Interested in learning more about societal division and the impact it’s having on us? Here are some further reads to check out:
The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt (Book)
Good Reasonable People: The Psychology Behind America’s Dangerous Divide by Keith Payne, PhD (Book)
Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground by Kurt Gray (Book)
The Societal Divide: What Can We Do About It? (Article) https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/societal-divide
Speaking of Psychology: The Psychology Behind Our Political Divide with Keith Payne, PhD (Podcast) https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/political-divide
